THERAPY FOR PEOPLE PLEASING and ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT
JANET NELSON, LMHC, SOUTH SOUND THERAPY AND COUNSELING: IN PERSON AND ON LINE THERAPY FOR INDIVIDUALS AND COUPLES IN WASHINGTON STATE
You’re on high alert! Your radar is finely tuned to notice the moods, wants, and needs of everyone around you. It’s your personal mission to step in and manage all of the above. If you can keep everyone content and meet their needs, whew! you’ll be okay. You can take a deep breath and relax…ha ha! You know better than anyone, this deeply desired relaxation never comes. There is always the next situation, person, or crisis needing your attention.
It feels next to impossible to rest and feel secure in your relationships. You analyze every expression, tone of voice, and behavior, looking for confirmation that you’re okay. If this confirmation doesn’t come, it leaves you distressed and panicked. You’ve become an expert at reading the room and working out your next move.
This is all exhausting, and while these strategies work at times, they are undermining your wellbeing, health, and energy. Constant people pleasing drains the life out of you and can end up making you feel frustrated and resentful. This sabotages your most fervent desire, which is to have secure, connected relationships.
Keeping everyone happy is your full time job.
A note about anxious attachment:
Anxious attachment (also called preoccupied attachment) is a style of emotional bonding where people often feel a deep-seated fear of abandonment and rejection. Those with an anxious attachment style typically crave closeness and intimacy but struggle with insecurity and doubt about their relationships' stability and the affection of the people in their life. This insecurity can manifest as high sensitivity to their other’s actions and moods, a tendency to seek constant reassurance and validation, and difficulties being alone or independent. These behaviors often stem from experiences in early life where caregivers were inconsistently responsive or overly intrusive, leading the person to remain vigilant and doubtful about the reliability of close emotional bonds.
Therapy for people pleasing and anxious attachment can help you…
Build emotional awareness and regulation
Your emotions aren’t the enemy. When you struggle with people pleasing and anxious attachment your emotions can feel unbearable. You can learn to pay attention to what your feeling, without letting your emotions spiral out of control.
Reduce your fear of rejection
You don’t need to be ruled by your fear of rejection or disproval. I know you’re a sensitive and compassionate person. We don’t want to change that, but as you learn to value and trust yourself, you’ll find relief from your need to keep everyone happy.
Build solid, connected relationships
Relationships feel so much better when they’re authentic. When you’re able to express yourself in your relationships without fear they will feel more secure, connected, and life giving.
Increase self esteem and confidence
People pleasing and anxious attachment create self doubt, undermining your ability to speak out, take risks, and let yourself be seen. In therapy we’ll work toward trusting yourself, so that you can show up in life with confidence.
Hold appropriate boundaries
Setting and holding boundaries is positive for you and for the people in your life. Developing and maintaining healthy boundaries helps you establish and build strong, connected relationships, and avoid unhealthy, unbalanced dynamics.
Learn to tune into your own wants and needs
When is the last time you asked yourself what you really want? When you’re constantly suppressing your wants and needs you can feel depleted and exhausted. When you learn to value your needs and desires, energy is freed up to pour into the people and things you care about.